Pulling myself up short

I am so twitchy today. I want to do all these things, but each thing would work better if I do something else first.

Image representing ModCloth as depicted in Cru...

ModCloth, why you so cute? (Image via CrunchBase)

For instance I have a shopping cart full of cute dresses and shoes on ModCloth, but I feel weird about dropping a couple hundred bucks on clothes even though half my work-appropriate clothes have minor tears or don’t quite fit right or don’t work for pumping and nursing. Seriously, I have one pair of pants right now where nothing is wrong with them. But I feel like I should be saving that money, I have so many long term savings goals: retirement, Busy Bee’s college fund, Busy Bee’s preschool fund (I’m only half joking), the what-if-the-water-heater-and-the-roof-break-in-the-same-week emergency fund, an MBA for me, Paranoid Husband starting a massage therapy business someday, building a raised bed garden next year (garden soil is expensive!)… Ugh, it just feels like any way I cut it, I come up short on long term goals and don’t have any left for short term goals like pretty dresses from ModCloth.

So I want to go see a financial planner. I want someone professional to help me figure out how to prioritize among long-term savings goals and get the best bang for my buck in a world of 0.25% savings rates. I’ve told Paranoid Husband that’s what I want for our fourth wedding anniversary this summer. (Also that I want marital counseling for our fifth, not because I think anything will be wrong then, just for fun. What, learning how to communicate better about our sex life sounds like a totally romantic date.) I even know exactly who I want to go to, I found a fee-only financial planner who’s a fellow alumni of my tiny hippie college.

Except it doesn’t really seem like a good time to make an appointment. Our car is in the shop for the forseeable future after a stupid fender bender, my parents are visiting next week, I’m up for a promotion and raise at work sometime soon but I don’t know exactly when… Shouldn’t I wait until things have calmed down a little? I mean, even two or three weeks from now should be better.

So… I’m just stuck. Twiddling my thumbs.

Actually, now that I think about it, pretty much everything I want to do, at home or at work, is waiting on this stupid raise/promotion. Volunteer recruitment. Program planning. Collateral redesign. Developing a personal/family budget. Looking at preschools for Busy Bee in the fall. Having another baby. Buying some cute dresses already. I’ve been waiting six months now since the promotion was first proposed, and at this point it feels completely out of my control. It could be another three months, or it could be next week.

So… I should just buy the dresses, right?

Hello, world.

I’m still figuring out how WordPress works, but there’s nothing that complex about writing a blog post. I have a long history with journaling–I’m familiar with the deadliness of the blank page/screen. At some point there’s nothing to do but just go for it.

So why a blog? What am I doing here? What makes me special? What do I have to say?

Mostly, I think my life is awesome and interesting and I want to write about it. I unschooled as a child and teenager and have things to say about that. I now am married to another grown unschooler and we have young kids, and I want to talk about unschooling and relationships and parenting. After my daughter was born, I went back to work as the family breadwinner while my husband quit his job to stay at home with our daughter, which completely changed how I think about work and my career. I want to talk about feminism, too, and feminism in my career and in parenting and in unschooling. It all ties together, I promise.

For me, it really all comes down to this quote:

“Bread makes itself, by your kindness, with your help, with imagination running through you.” –The Tassajara Bread Book

I love making bread. It feels magical every time to take this unlikely set of ingredients and somehow turn it into something delicious. It’s a balance between control and letting go. I pick the ingredients, I knead it, I put it in the oven, but the humidity of the air and the age of the yeast and who even knows what else means each loaf of bread is entirely unique.

That’s how I want to live my life. That feeling of control over what I put in, and joy in never knowing exactly how it’ll turn out. That’s how I want to parent, how I want to work, how I want to unschool, how I want to blog.

Even if I don’t get to eat fresh warm bread when I’m done.